Marriage Losing Its Value? by Tracey Lincoln

Tracey and I were supposed to collaborate on this topic, but I think she covered it beautifully without my help. Here's what she said:

"Marriage is a commitment and a bond that has been upheld for thousands of years. Over the years, it’s value has altered and transformed from sacred, to tradition, and now it seems to be some sort of an obligation.

With divorce skyrocketing, it makes me wonder why people get married in the first place. When problems in a marriage arise, how hard do those involved fight to solve such issues? The vows read, “to love and to cherish, through thickness and thin”. Since when did forever last a year? Since when did thickness flow as thin and shallow as most petty arguments? Since when did cherishing your significant other mean to treat them with hostility?

Marriage is a contract of infinite love and commitment. If two people are not ready, willing nor fit to sign a contract like this, then they shouldn’t get married at all. This vision has become such a fad that it now seems so easily dismissible. It’s like breaking this contract has become a norm, and laving three or four husbands in a lifetime is mundane.

For someone to get married and have doubts from the beginning that that they’re stepping into a situation that “might not work out” is strange. Why would you step into a life long commitment with doubt that it may not work out? If people cannot value the sanctity of marriage for what it really is, then they shouldn’t get married at all."

What do you think?

Zac and Vanessa Caught @ Panera

This picture was taken of the couple that I hate to love this past Sunday in Studio City in the parking lot of Panera Bread. By the way, when I say "hate to love" it's not because they're my guilty pleasure...there's no guilt about it. I'm quite shameless in fact. It's because I hate that Vanessa can have such amazing style and be with the man of my dreams. Like ok. Look at this picture: She looks perfectly styled. I love her glasses and bag. THEN she has to go and reach for Zac's immaculate backside JUST because she can (I mean she was probably pushing him to hurry up because they were being harassed by photogs but still). And I'm also really liking Zac's new haircut. Why wasn't I in Studio City on Sunday??

Raining Cats and Striking Young Women

I haven't really been a huge Harry Potter fan or anything, but I saw one of the movies the other day on HBO because my brother was watching it, and I'm like "HELLO this girl is crazy beautiful. Not to mention Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint are pretty smokin' hot themselves." Hence probably the real reason for the success of the Harry Potter phenomenon. Anyway so I got a tweet from JustJared this morning that said, "Emma Watson is soaking wet." I opened it and here's this absolutely beautiful picture of this girl, probably feeling like absolute hell because she's in a big beautiful dress and it's getting rained on and everyone was there to photograph it. But look at this picture. 

Emotional Programming

So a couple weeks ago, my dad called me up telling me that I should read this book called Are You the One for Me? by Barbara De Angelis because he claimed that if he had read it when he was 19 it would have saved him a lot of wasted time. So I went to Borders and picked it up slightly hesitant because, first of all, it has a really cheesy cover, and second of all, because I have a boyfriend and I didn't know if I was prepared to find out from this book that he wasn't the one for me. Whatever. I got it anyway because I thought it would be fun. It has a lot of exercises and stuff in it that allow you to understand why you've made certain choices in the past in terms of your love life, and ultimately it's supposed to help you figure out the kind of person with whom you'd be compatible.

So right now I'm on the chapter about Emotional Programming. This chapter has exercises that ask you to recall events from your childhood and characteristics of your parents and their relationships that probably effected the way you understand and feel about love. It's pretty unreal when you start making the connections. Here are a couple of my examples that aren't too personal:

1. Multi-ethnic upbringing --> Open-minded toward people from all walks of life --> I have to be with somebody who is completely accepting and open-minded to those who are different or have different beliefs.

2. Parents' divorce --> Wary toward divorce --> I have to be with somebody who can be serious about a committed and long-term relationship. They have to be willing to try to work through problems because I believe that divorce often happens because the people aren't willing to work it out.

So yeah. Check out the book or just think about how your childhood has shaped the decisions you make today and why many of your relationships did or did not work out.

Problem: How can I be a good friend to so many good friends?

So maybe some of you can relate and hopefully give me a little advice. Summer has brought along a little problem that I wasn't really expecting. Somehow I've managed to have too many friends. I know it doesn't really sound like an actual problem, and believe me, that within itself is not a problem. The problem is that I have so many of them that I really appreciate and cherish, and I'm finding it rather difficult to make enough time for all of them, not to mention my family. I have my best friends from high school, all my friends from school, other good friends from junior high that I still like seeing, my boyfriend, and my family. 

So seriously does anybody have a solution for how to make time for everybody? I am at a loss.

What Confident Girls Need to Hear When Feeling Insecure (FOR THE GUYS)

Before I make my point, let me first make this distinction: confident girls require different levels and sorts of compliments than do girls who generally have lower self-esteems. Let me explain.

Many, if not all, of us go through periods of insecurity. Sometimes it's just an awkward day or a bad hair day when things just seem to be slightly off and you'd rather just skip it and move on with your life. Other times it's a period where maybe you hate your haircut or you're feeling out of shape or your social or work life just is not going right. And then there are other times when your negative mindset keeps you in a constant funk, feeling consistently imperfect and unsatisfied with yourself and your life. All of these can and do happen to anyone, but anyone checking the box of the latter qualifications is going to be classified as "insecure" for the sake of this message.

When a girl shares her insecurities with a boy, it is typically in one of these two cases: 1) She's feeling "insecure" and either consciously or subconsciously hopes that telling you everything wrong with her with provoke you to reciprocate with everything that's right with her and how wrong she is. This girl needs to hear this from you to feel good about herself. 2) Although this girl is generally "confident," there are times when she feels less than so and for whatever reason she feels close enough to you to be that open with you. Generally speaking, "confident" girls do not share their insecurities with anyone because they realize it's a temporary feeling and because THEY DO NOT NEED YOUR ATTENTION TO FEEL BETTER ABOUT THEMSELVES.

GUYS LISTEN UP. Girls in Case #2/Confident girls feel good about themselves without your help. They know how to pump themselves up whether it be with a daily pep talk or 30 minutes on the elliptical or yoga or shopping or working hard in school or at work or just taking care of themselves. Anyway so if you actually hear one of these girls sharing with you anything that's wrong with you that's not purely self-deprecating humor then consider yourself special. Seriously. They do not do it often. So if they do, here is what you say: "Even at your worst you are still the most beautiful thing I've ever seen/in this building," or "Even at your worst I wouldn't trade you for any other woman in the world," or "Even at your worst I can't believe you actually thought I was good enough for you." Something like that, and I will tell you why. If you say something like, "Nooo. You're ridiculous. You know you're beautiful or smart or whatever," she'll just be thinking, "Well yeah I know, but that doesn't help." You know why? Because she's probably heard that a hundred times. Be original for heaven's sake. If you think a girl is amazing, you probably weren't the first one. If you say something like what I told you to say then she will believe you because it will mean something to her to know that you genuinely appreciate her and that, to you, she can do not wrong. That is insanely comforting. Try it.

Ladies agree?

You Have Every Right to Fight for Love

So I asked some of you awhile ago to respond to me if you had a long distance relationship that survived your first year of college or if you started a relationship at school and are trying to make it work through the summer. When I initially asked the question I was really trying to bring to the light how people can make relationships last even when it seems like everything is up against them, but the responses that I received made me realize the heart of it... something that is also on my heart right now.

Everyone says it's stupid to start college with a boyfriend or girlfriend because it will limit the people you meet and the fun you have. They say it like the key to having a successful college experience is to be single, but college means different things to different people, and just like everything else in life there is no one right way to have a good experience. Maybe it's not ideal to spend your freshman year in a long distance relationship, seeing your significant other once every couple months (maybe more maybe less), and watching everybody else hook up freely. However, maybe it's just me, but if I find real love then I'm not the one missing out. Why would I give up something profound and beautiful and life-changing just so I can have a generic college experience. I'm not saying that everyone else is wrong who breaks up with their high school boyfriends or girlfriends, but I'm a strongly believe that love is one of the most important things in life. There's no way I would let that go.

I got two responses to my question. Both were girls who struggled to maintain a relationship over an extremely long distance and still believe that it's worth trying to salvage.

Girl #1 said: "It was worth it. It probobly even kept me out of trouble.... it worked for me bc i did enjoy college and what it had to offer, i still was social, if anything our commitment grounded me for the better....We both as though, the other is special in someway, which is why we're not waivered by the distance bc no one here is him and no one there is me."*

Girl #2 said: "Against all odds and negative assumptions, my significant other and I have managed to remain together under circumstances far more strenuous than the distance of a few states....While there, he'll change a great deal, and so will I. Growing together, and being aware of each other's changes is what's going to sustain and strengthen our relationship. 

...he brightens my day just when I thought the clouds were there to stay

...he's always pushing me to do better than what I thought was my best

...he remembers the little things, because he knows that they matter too

...he takes care of me when I don't know to take care of myself

...he still calls me before he goes to sleep to tell me that he loves me

...he's intelligent, and is always teaching me something new

...he teaches me about relationships, it's no the other way around :]

...he's comfortable being himself, but always pushes for improvement

...he's him...******************

If I would've listened to every voice that I heard during my senior year and broke up with him, I would have been making one of the biggest mistakes of my college life. Even if he and I don't stay together forever, *knock on wood* there were, and will be, so many lessons learned from our relationship. I'm glad that I listened to me, and I'm glad that I have him."*

Both of these girls have come to understand that love is worth it even if their friends think they're crazy, even if they have to argue and scream and cry and struggle to make it work, even if they know they could be getting with other people, and even if they feel like they're missing out on their "college experience."

Whether you're a guy or a girl...whether you're in high school, graduating from high school, past freshman year, high school or college dropout...whatever...never let people tell you that you are wrong to fight for love. If you find somebody amazing then, if anything, you should be holding on tight not trading them in for a couple one night stands. Unless the person you're fighting for abuses you in any way, cheats on you or just blatantly disrespects you, it is worth struggling through all of the confusion, adjustment and compromise that you inevitably will have to get through. 

Even if it has nothing to do with college. Maybe people want your relationship to fail because they don't see what you see in your boyfriend or girlfriend or because you're from different backgrounds or they have a bad reputation or for some reason they can't get over the fact that you're not with somebody else, in the end it's you that's going to have to live with your decision. If the person you're with makes you happy and that's the only thing you really know is true in the world, then don't let anyone convince you otherwise. One day they'll realize what you would have really been missing out on. Follow your heart.

Love conquers all.

*If you want the whole story of either girl I can give you the unabridged versions. Let me know.